


This is only because I was forced to do so...

by SorryTheUsernamesTaken



Series: Dean Winchester And his Blog about Depression [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dean Winchester writes blogs, Depressed Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22858633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorryTheUsernamesTaken/pseuds/SorryTheUsernamesTaken
Summary: So my therapist recently suggested that I start writing down a blog...Well it was either this or a diary, and I'm not about that so here I am, writing a blog. (Its new and different)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Dean Winchester And his Blog about Depression [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643242
Kudos: 33





	This is only because I was forced to do so...

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: self harm, abuse  
> Can you guess the reasons behind the fake names of Dean's family?

November 20, 2000  
This is only because I was forced to do so...  
So my therapist recently suggested that I start writing down a blog...  
Well, it was either this or a diary, and I'm not about that so here I am, writing a blog. (It’s new and different)  
Hi. I'm Charlie Anxo (that's not my real name), I'm 21 years old, I work at an auto repair shop and I'm gay.  
I mean, it’s not that big of a deal, me being gay. It’s that that my dad is blatantly homophobic and hates everything queer. Did I mention that I also have a boyfriend, whose babies I'm helping raise?  
Yeah, so that’s about it.  
I mean if I have to give a summary of myself, it'd be something like this-  
Dead mother, an alcoholic father, practically raised younger brother, gay, high school dropout, only earning member of the family and possibly depressed.  
\----  
January 21, 2001  
So my therapist made me do it again  
She said that I did a good job last time and that I should do it again, so here I am, writing another blog. Before I start, I just wanted to say, everything I wrote last time except my name was correct and that I wasn't lying, not here and not to myself (it’s a little hard to believe, I know).  
Something about me, I have green eyes, I'm about 6'1, I have brown hair and I love pie.  
I'm a big fan of old vintage cars and spent most of my time on them.  
The rest of my free time is spent on my boyfriend’s kids, Bruce and Loki (again, fake names). I mean, my boyfriend and I have only known each other for 3 months, but if anything happens to him or the kids, I would kill everyone and then myself. They're the love of my life, my boyfriend, let’s call him Jones, and both the kids.  
\----  
February 19, 2001  
So my therapist says I'm not allowed to joke about death anymore  
Last time I said that if harm befalls my loved ones, I would not only murder everyone but kill myself as well, so as to not go through that grief. Anna (my therapist) says that I am not to joke or make fun of dying anymore. But she didn't say anything about threats, so this for everyone out there, if you dare harm Jones, Bruce, or Loki, you will wish for sweet sweet oblivion but I will make sure you never reach there.  
Ominous threats aside, This week has been going really well. Even though it’s only been 5 months since we've known each other and 4 months since we started dating, I think I'm falling for Jones and I'm a little scared but happy. Also, Loki laughed yesterday for the first time. It happened when I was singing to him and it was the sweetest little thing ever. I don't do favorites but if I had to, out of Jones, Bruce, and Loki, Loki'd be my favorite. He's the best baby ever.  
I remember mentioning having a brother. He's four years younger than me but the smartest person ever. He's also very tall. We're gonna call him Grace. So Grace is in high school and he's in all Smart classes. He's the only family I have left, not considering my father, and I love him. But recently we've been falling apart. It’s mainly cause I'm spending a lot of time with Jones and Grace doesn't know about it. It’s my fault. I'm scared about coming out to Grace and that’s why we've been fighting a lot recently. Let’s hope I can make things better.  
\-----  
April 2, 2001  
Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better  
If you don't know what that was about, go and listen to Hey Jude by the beetles. It’s not what I usually prefer to listen to but it was my mom’s favorite song. She sang that song whenever I felt sad as a child and I sing it for Loki to make him happy. He loves that song and it always makes him smile.  
The twins turned 6 months old a few days ago. Jones and I had a small party with just us four and his sister. It was nice. We dressed up the boys and took a lot of pictures. Jones was really happy. He's the best father that the boys could wish for. I mean, sometimes he feels really unhappy that he has to do it all alone (his partner left him for someone else before the kids were born) but he'll always have me. I was even thinking about telling Grace about Jones, but we'll have to wait as he's gone to Stanford for some school trip. Dad is still drunk and jobless. I still work at the auto repair shop and I'm still gay.  
Until next time  
\-----  
May 4, 2001  
May the fourth be with you  
You know like may the force be with you? It’s from star wars. Go and watch it if you haven't yet.  
I had to force Jones to watch it with me yesterday. Both the kids also watched it. I'm sure they understood nothing but they were silent throughout the whole film. Jones didn't enjoy it so much though, the traitor. If I didn't love him, I'd leave him for not loving star wars as much as I do. Yeah, we finally told each other that 'we were quite fallen in love'. I didn't tell Grace yet but I did end up telling my best friend Banrigh, about Jones. She was alright with it. I expected nothing else from her, she being queer herself. I don't even know why I was scared about telling her. She's amazing and just as big of a nerd as I am.  
She's also a huge fan of Larping (That's live-action role-playing) and calls herself the queen of Moondoor, hence the name Banrigh (it means queen in Scottish-Gaelic). We've been friends since before Grace was born. Surprisingly enough, we've never fought even once in the last how many years I've known her.  
She was the first person I came out to. I was the first person she came out to. She's the only person other than my therapist who knows about the blog. We know we are each other’s platonic soulmates and I love her.  
\------  
August 10, 2001  
The babies are no longer kids

The last few months were really bad, fought a lot with Dad and Grace, who decided he's gonna leave and go to Stanford for college next year.  
.  
.  
.  
It’s the twins’ birthday next month. They're gonna be turning one soon. Oh, how time flies.  
A few months ago, Bruce said his first words- Dada for Jones. A few days later, Loki said his first words, (my real name) and I was so proud of both the babies.  
They have started standing up holding furniture. Jones and I can tell from now that Bruce will be a very hyperactive toddler while Loki will be a quiet yet adventurous child. Bruce is always babbling and moving around, not ready to sit still and Loki loves to sit at one place and go through his toys and stuff.  
We've got so many pictures of both the boys doing so much stuff, it’s amazing. I just wish I could show it to Grace.  
\------  
November 20, 2001  
I think my therapist was right, writing this did help

It’s been a year since I've started writing this blog and it has helped me a lot. I'm never gonna tell her this but my therapist was right. Whenever I felt that I had to cut myself or do something that harmed me, I just started writing stuff down. There is so much stuff written at such times that I haven't posted yet but just the process of writing it down has helped. My anger issues have gone down, I've gotten a little closer to Grace and the number of pills that I'm taking (antidepressants and whatnot) have gone down majorly. I'm even feeling happy without any reason these days. Just looking at the boys makes me happy now.  
Jones moved into a new apartment recently. It's closer to my workplace so now I don't have to travel a lot to go meet the boys (who have been growing so fast, it seems that if I don't see them for 2 days, they've grown like inches and started talking more and moving around faster).  
I'm thinking of telling Grace that I'm gay. I still don't wanna tell him about the boys and Jones though and I think Jones agrees with me.  
I'm so lucky to have such an understanding partner. I love him and the boys so much, it's slightly unbelievable.  
\------

**Author's Note:**

> Bruce- Samandriel Alfred Novak  
> Alfred and Bruce Wayne  
> Loki- Jack Gabriel Novak  
> Gabriel and Loki  
> Jones- Castiel Novak  
> No real reason, I was thinking about Indiana Jones :')  
> Charlie anxo- Dean Winchester  
> Charlies angels was a really popular movie that came out in October 2000  
> Grace- Samuel William Winchester  
> Will and grace  
> Banrigh- Charlie Bradbury  
> Its means queen in scottish gaelic (or atleast google told me so)  
> Tbc  
> 


End file.
